As generation Partners I heard you say that when you get to a certain age, some things just get easier. It presupposes growing wisdom and self-knowledge. True, but in my case not completely true.
Spelled Ype, pronounced Epuh, my name originated from the Frisian language, still spoken in a province in the Netherlands, and it means: He how troughs the spear or man of the House, As stable as the name might seem, the unstable I’m feeling at the moment. 57 years old, so no excuses here, I just stumbled flat on my face in my relationship with a Woman that loves me with all her heart for more than 5 Years now. Somehow, I just could not answer her love with the same depth and intensity. There were moments of bliss and truly felt unity, but more often my critical thinking side got the better of me and scrutinized the relationship and its worth. As a consequence: pushed by guilt and frustration, my mood became more unstable and somber. This played out with me occasionally pulling back from her emotionally, until I could overcome my somberness. She, first understanding and willing to forgive, in time warned me that I needed to clean up my act. Rightfully so I should add.
We had long conversations, trying to find causes and solutions that could help us hold on to each other and keep the dream alive.
Yesterday during a conversation gone sour, an anger build up inside me, I reacted cold and bitter, she was puzzled by my reaction, stood up and left the room and I could not let go of the Anger. The status quo remained, when she said I could take the spare room for the night. I understood there and then that I had to go and give her the chance to free herself from my love for me. We had 5, for the most part, really good years and beautiful moments, that we will cherish for the rest of our lives. It hurts, especially her pain. The next moths I will try to keep the friendship and also make some serious effort to get ‘my shit together’ ;-). 57, I need to hurry.